You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Yep.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.