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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…