Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that