My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
This made me smile…
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable