Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me