“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
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Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
They got Raph!
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My birthstone is kidney
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”