You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.