Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.