[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS