One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children