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Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.