People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
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Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I feel seen
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.