You Might Also Like
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
A dad and his duck
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
You can’t rush stupid.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.