Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom