Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
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2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Ovenable?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?