Happy birthday to all the women
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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
listen closely
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
twitter is a journey
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh