Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory