Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
You Might Also Like
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
(by @ZachWeiner )
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
i think we should see other cousins
*weighs self after shaving
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is