It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.