What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO