It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em