Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Tremendous stuff
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.