I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.