I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
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Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Saw your ex at the shops
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
john wicks are toilet candles