Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I’m calling the cops.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.