Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior