Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
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Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!