Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Twitter remains undefeated
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Sticker placement is key.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Thursday
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…