Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My current situation
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
🤣🤣🤣
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.