“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.