I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd