HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
starting a garage orchestra
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”