About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
motivation
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.