*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.