I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything