ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Huge, if true.