Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
when you are just born a rebel
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it