Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
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Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions