The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.