My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
*orders delivery*
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.