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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.