CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Yep.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
We’re all getting idioter.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir