Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
You Might Also Like
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!