My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
time for some seasonal decor
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I’m having an out of money experience.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.