Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
titanic
My patience has stretch marks.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?