My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
This is always good for a laugh.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house