Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
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I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”