My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My life in a nutshell
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.