why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
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Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.