Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
no!! no!!!!!!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.